Because a true friend turns the attention on herself when you're having medical issues...

My best friend in high school, "Bertha," was put on modified bed rest this weekend, meaning she can't leave her house for the next two weeks and can only get up from the couch to use the bathroom or sit at the dinner table, but no cooking or setting up the nursery or being on her feet. She has 10 weeks left in her pregnancy and is hoping the bed rest will not be continued through all of them since she has a lot of work left to do to prepare for this baby.

While I was on the phone with her yesterday hearing about her predicament, I tried to come up with some things she could do from the couch. I suggested she have her husband wash all of the new baby clothes and then bring her the basket so she can fold them on the couch. Then I asked her to watch "Oprah" for me today and be ready to summarize it when I call (I also vowed to call a lot more now that I have a captive audience. She can't avoid my calls now!)

Last night, I came up with a few more ideas, so I emailed her to suggest she read through the entire archive of this blog and send me an email detailing how funny she thinks I am. And, if that task gets done fast enough, how about I send her some beads and she can spend some time making crafts that I can then sell as my own? I'm still coming up with some more ideas for her and am open to suggestions.

But, please, let's make sure they benefit me in some way. Because although this concerns Bertha and whatever precautions need to be taken to keep her son healthy and safe, I've managed to make it all about me. That takes talent.

Apparently he can only be romantic for so long...

The Pretend Husband went missing this weekend. But I wasn’t even upset about it because whoever took him replaced him with a similar looking model with the biggest romantic streak you’ve ever seen.

The PH surprised me with a trip to Boston this weekend for our second wedding anniversary. We ate good food, wandered around to a million different places, hunted out the best ice cream in the city, tried to buy cannoli in the North End (the PH: “what business doesn’t take credit cards these days?!?”), napped more than our fair share and just enjoyed the crap out of the chance to spend time alone with each other with nothing else tugging at our attention.

We decided we will never own a Sleep Number Bed after a too-soft bed the first night resulted in lower back spasms for me and a too-hard bed the second night was just uncomfortable for us both (but still better than back spasms).

He decided we will never live in Boston, even after we retire and have a couple million dollars laying around just begging to be invested into a brownstone on Beacon Hill. I’m still not entirely convinced it’s not a sound plan, but we have some time to argue about it.

And I think we’re both in agreement that I’m the better driver. Oh wait, no. The PH doesn’t necessarily think that, but agrees there’s a lot less arguing when I’m behind the wheel (I still say I wouldn’t be such a bad passenger if he wasn’t so bad about not braking until we’re practically in the trunk of the vehicle in front of us. I’m just saying.)

And I knew the honeymoon was over when, a few hours after arriving home, the PH insulted not just me, but SJ too! As we were telling friends about all our Setback playing adventures, I told them the PH and j always try to anticipate how we’re going to play our hands and act accordingly. But it often backfires because SJ and I aren’t exactly known for our logic when it comes to cards (We say, “You know what to do” a lot, but I don’t think either one of us takes that seriously…)

“Yeah,” the PH said. “You can’t outplay crazy.”

Oh, good. It appears my husband has returned.

We are living in a material world, and I have unfortunately packed all of mine.

Oh my god, you guys! I'm moving in 9 days!

The whirlwind that has been my selling and buying is nearly done, but I will not actually exhale until this pony has left the stable. Because if you think I'm paranoid, well. You know me really well.

We've been very slowly packing our house up room by room for the past four weeks, and we're coming down to the wire. And by wire I mean "all of the crap that wouldn't easily go in boxes." I also mean: "that scary box in the basement I'm afraid to open because I found a dead mouse right next to it."

In the process of moving and packing, I've had to do some cleaning.
And by cleaning, I mean:


Serious overhaul:


Thank god this process is almost done. (Did you hear that? It was the sound of me knocking on wood for six weeks. My knuckles are totally sore.)

Although, one thing I've learned. It is much easier to keep your house super clean when all of your stuff has really been packed away into a storage unit. I'm hoping that it also feels like Christmas (but won't actually BE Christmas) when I unpack it all.

Taking all the fun out of Halloween with my whiny recap

* I worked on Halloween night. Which means while all of you were dressing up, handing out candy, going to parties and generally enjoying the holiday, I was reading news about how traffic fatalities increase when Halloween falls on a weekend, how people could guard against getting the swine flu from trick-or-treaters (put candy into the kids' bags yourself instead of letting them reach into the bowl...) and how to clean up your property to avoid having people hurt themselves and then sue. It kind of took the fun out of the day.

* My dad and the Pretend Husband manned our door, handing out candy to the 20 kids who braved the weather, the swine flu and our treacherous yard to make it to them. But they were rewarded because we handed out full size candy bars this year. Congrats to us for avoiding having our house or cars egged for at least the next year!

* The PH was the one who answered the door while Dad tried to keep the dogs wrangled. My dad commented that the PH was great with the kids, chatting with them and complimenting them on their costumes. Since that doesn't exactly sound like the PH, I asked him about it and he said, "I told them, 'Here you go' when I gave them the candy and then told them to have a good night." Not exactly stellar conversation.

* My sister had 250 trick-or-treaters visit her house! She had originally been prepared for 100 but luckily heard from a neighbor that the neighborhood is a popular one, so she ran out and had enough candy for everyone who showed up. At one point, she opened her door to 40 costumed lined up from the road to her porch!

* What is the deal with parents who collect candy? Kat's lil sis said she had at least five mothers who pointed to their six-month-olds sitting in strollers and said, "I'm collecting candy for them." Um, no. Be honest. And buy your own candy.

I was wearing slippers and I'm not pregnant, but I had the "toiling over a hot stove" part downpat

I am a lot of things, but I am not a cook. I've gotten better over the years (the Pretend Husband at least comes home to some chicken nuggets in the oven every once in awhile), but it's not my "thing."

Which is why it was huge that I made the PH not one, not two, but three meals (and three desserts) for his birthday last week. He put a moratorium on gifts for his birthday (that I am praying will be lifted by mine...) so it was the only way I could think of to make his birthday stand out.

I started the night before by getting home at 11 p.m. after dinner out with the Pretend In-Laws (and perhaps a spontaneous game of Setback with SJ and j) and immediately starting to bake potatoes. Which led to my getting up an hour early the next morning to finish breakfast, which was basically twice baked potatoes with bacon and a fried egg in the middle. They were good (but maybe a bit undercooked, which may have led to the PH's Birthday Morning O' Fun In The Bathroom, but it's the thought that counts, right?)

Then the PH went off to work with a bagged lunch of two angus roast beef sandwiches (the deli counter guy gave me the special angus roast beef at the price of the regular stuff... oh yeah, I've still got it!), his favorite Doritos and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

I spent the next eighty jillion hours cooking so when the PH arrived home from work (or, more accurately, about two hours after he arrived home from work...) he sat down to a dinner of turkey meatloaf and garlic mashed potatoes. Which was followed by peanut butter pie, two kinds of cupcakes and a chocolate and vanilla checkerboard cake.

Of course, he's been getting nothing but chicken nuggets and canned soup from me since, but at least he has the memory of the day KAT cooked her butt off to sustain him until his next birthday.